Make time: Most people don’t talk about improving their sex lives but it’s as good a resolution as any. Photo: Getty Images
Every New Year we tell ourselves things are going to change. Most people make the same old resolutions: they want to improve their health by getting fit, losing weight, eating better, drinking less alcohol or quitting smoking. Or, they’d like to find another job, start saving, manage the credit cards better or try to reduce stress at home or work.
Breaking bad habits usually tops the list, but what about adding a positive resolution this year? What about improving your sex life? Sex is a fundamental part of being human and a good sex life is crucial for better relationships. Sex, however, doesn’t seem to be acknowledged in our society as being as important as health or money.
There is a popular myth that sex is spontaneous – well, it’s not.
January is the month when I see more clients than usual and they are often couples who decide to finally “fix” their problems. If I ask them when they had sex the last time, they often can’t remember. It’s not unusual for couples to tell me they haven’t had sex for at least six months or sometimes several years.
Often they may have had satisfying sex lives in the past but domesticity and sometimes boredom have taken over. Stress can create tension and lead to arguments all the time. When this happens, resentment can build up and the first things to suffer are intimacy and sex. Who wants to have sex with a partner they are angry with? My advice is to start fixing the issues before it’s too late.
So what can you do to give your sex life a boost?
A good sex life takes time and effort to maintain. Couples need to try to make sex more playful and fun, to keep their relationships exciting. There is a popular myth that sex is spontaneous – well, it’s not. If you want to have good sex, you have to create the time and the space to get both of you in the mood and looking forward to it. Look for opportunities to have sex. For example, planning a date night once a week is a good start.
Start foreplay early in the morning of the day you expect to have sex; do nice things: text or call each other during the day; maybe send a sexy email. Sex is supposed to be fun, and the more fun you make it the more enjoyable it will be. Be more spontaneous; you can try new positions, use different toys, wear sexy lingerie or do anything that creates a special mood. Make the bedroom look more inviting by removing the clutter and getting some new sheets, dimmer lights and candles.
Clients often tell me they wish their partners were more affectionate; it’s all about feeling desired. Just kissing, hugging, holding hands or cuddling up on the couch looking at TV is easy to do and physical affection is so important. You may find that increased intimacy can result in a more passionate and connected relationship.
I believe that relationships can improve if people listened to each other more, instead of telling each other what is wrong. For example, when your partner gives you feedback about sex, saying they feel hurt or rejected, listen and don’t be defensive. Just think about it. Is there any truth in what’s being said? Why not make a plan to make this year better?
And try to love your body! I know that’s not always easy, but the better you feel about yourself, the more confident you will be. Confidence is very important when it comes to enjoying sex. Don’t doubt yourself, and try to get rid of your negative thoughts this year.
Initiate sex more often and stop waiting for your partner to do it. If you want sex, make it happen – your partner is not a mind reader. After all, if you wanted to have dinner or see a movie, you’d suggest it, wouldn’t you?
What if you are not in the mood for sex? Most couples have different levels of desire, which is natural. But if you are not in the mood, you can express your feelings by kissing, holding or caressing your partner, instead of turning your back.
If your partner’s lovemaking doesn’t excite you any more, and you have difficulties discussing the issue, you will both lose interest in sex eventually. It may be time to get expert help and be taught the skills to communicate openly and directly with each other about feelings, problems and concerns.
Humour and laughter are also useful in generating closer connection with a partner. Laughter reduces the level of stress-causing hormones such as cortisone and adrenalin. Both laugher and sex are relaxing and trigger the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals.
Having sex is also considered a significant exercise for burning calories. We all know it’s not easy losing weight, so if you’d rather stay home than work out at the gym, it could be an enticing alternative. Exercise also releases endorphins, making it a double whammy!