I have Alopecia. I’ve lost all my hair. And it sucks.
My life has been changed with my new friend, Alopecia. She’s that one friend you think is super annoying; she’s always tagging along, maybe talks too much, supes self-centered but really means well and eventually will be the one to help you when you need it most. In the meantime, Alopecia is a basic b*tch.
I posted a blog two weeks ago about my development of Alopecia being set off from depression. Physically my condition was getting worse since then. My scalp was in pain. My hair was falling out every hour — handfuls and handfuls of my hair, leaving without even a goodbye.
Like, can I get a warning? No?
Oh… OK.
Maybe just… nope. Cool.
I see how it is.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that I had to shave it all off!
OK, you know that scene from “Angel’s in the Outfield”, where Christopher Lloyd first appears out of thin air and starts to answer prayers made by young Joseph Gordon-Levitt? He brings baseball playing angels with perpetual hope and a little nudge in the pants to get to home base to win the series? To be honest, I’m definitely not a baseball fan but how obsessed was I over this movie?! The most. And Danny Glover? What an actor!
I digress. What I’m trying to say, is that in this movie you think to yourself, “OK, these prayers were answered immediately, in the most random way, but it works, and I’m gonna go with it!”
I got my Joseph Gordon Levitt moment when I got my prayers answered from God immediately with my own Christopher Lloyd, in said form of my wonderful boyfriend, Nate.
(Honey, I hope you aren’t laughing right now at the fact that I just compared you to Christopher Lloyd…because I did.)
My newfound relationship with Nate was a complete surprise. He sparked my interest by wearing a Quidditch shirt to rehearsal a few months ago while we worked on a contract together. My undying dedication to Harry Potter goes as far as me seeing this shirt and introducing myself to him as his soul mate (jokingly, at first). Neither of us were looking for a relationship, however something kept us together, making us a team that just made sense. I think life has a creative way to unravel plans underneath you — mapped out plans that could change your life for the better, especially when you least expect it.
Then, Nate asked me if he could shave his head with me. How badass is he?! After I controlled my tears of happiness and utter shock, I could not have been given a better opportunity to do so –with a person I have grown to care about so much.
I took a trip out to Colorado where Nate currently works as an actor, and we shaved our heads on a cold and rainy Wednesday afternoon. He held my hand the whole time, then had his own head shaved. A gift that I will cherish for a really, really long time. He never fails to astonish me.
My stylist, named Marquee, was a petite woman in her 30s. She was kind, had a wonderful smile and her arm had tattoos of shooting stars. Her hands were shaking a little while she shaved my head, but she told me later that she was holding in tears. She told me she admired me for my strength. The sound of the clippers will never leave my memory. My stomach still falls slightly when I think about how nervous I was when she turned it on. There couldn’t have been a more perfect team of stylists there to support me.
I was set free. I am free.
However…
Ten days as a bald woman later…
Today is what I call a rough day.
Just another day. No different than any other.
But today hurts.
I hate being bald.
I hate wearing wigs.
I really miss my hair.
I wish there was a cure for Alopecia.
Nothing makes me feel better today, so I cry it out.
Granted, I knew that these types of days will come.
These emotions are real, available, and I do not deny them of their deserved time on earth.
You want to know what it’s like to live with Alopecia? It sucks balls! Maybe I’m one of few people you know with Alopecia or possibly the only friend you know. The verdict all pans out the same. I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t always want to look super edgy. My scalp is freezing! It’s totally brutal to try and accept every day that you may not ever get your hair back.
Despite the pain, there is still so much joy left in me. I know I’ll be OK. All of this is new to me. I don’t know my next steps just yet, other than allowing myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling that day. I will continue to write and document my progress and hopefully gain more clarity as time passes.
You know what? Sometimes I do look pretty bad ass though.
My hair does not define me nor my abilities.
My life is abundant.
And showering takes like two seconds. So that’s cool.
My faith in the Lord’s plan is strong. Why me? I have yet to find out. Trusting in this obstacle to unravel into fortune is difficult, but attainable. My next step is to try creating a healthier, non-toxic and possibly loving relationship with my new counterpart, Alopecia.
She’s a tough cookie, but I’m tougher.